Anyone know where my sanity is?

So this morning I was turning even more neurotic sitting at home looking at my unorganized life... so I thought I may head out to a local Starbucks to have a cup and clear my head.
Much more peaceful to me.
Friendly people.
Great music.
Weather is awesome too.

I am at a new Starbucks.  That is very important to tell you.  I have been so tore up by recent happenings and my attitude that I completely feel the need to change everything... even my constants, to find myself again.

I cannot seem to grasp the basic necessities right now in life and respond with appropriate actions.

I know what they are... I just cannot seem to meld them all together...  (Hear me out - all is well - I am not watering my plants with Sprite yet*).

Seems as if I am living a cliché right now.  Choose any - I am sure it applies!


All bets are off.
All dressed up and no place to go
All that glitters is not gold
Alls fair in love and war

Yeah... be thankful I am still at the beginning of the alphabet ha.

Cliché of the day:
Time to pull up my big girl pants and get this shit done!  =)





*Much later story... as in; not sure I wanna share that crazy yet!

It hurts

I am having a moment. One where I just want to give up because of the pain... I know time helps but could it start easing up just a tad?!? Hard to appear strong when you feel so weak....

If I knew that you had any feelings for me whatsoever, that may change things. 
Obviously "THIS" is not making me happy.  I am sure it is not making you happy either.

I want to be the one who says "Get your ass up, we are heading to the beach (or elsewhere) and gonna have some fun dammit!".

...and I am going to expect you to listen.

I can be your best friend.

I already am one of them, you just do not see it and I hate that.  I want to wave a flag right in front of you and say "Here I am!!! Right here! Look no further".

Maybe I should have made my true intentions be known right from the start?

My suspicion is that it would not have mattered.

My purpose in your life is different than your purpose in mine.

Heartbreak

So there it is.
I have my answer(s).
After hours of messaging, texts and phone calls; bottom line: There is nothing there.

I am not sure when my imagination decided there was this insane and passionate love affair going on.  Or when the rest of me started to believe it.

Does it start with the heart or the head?

Regardless. It ends in heartbreak...

The cannot eat, cannot sleep, end up crying all day type.

So changes need to be made.

I need to reclaim my life and do what I NEED to do.  There are only two people in this world who keep me going and even though I already know this, I NEED them to know this...
They are my sole purpose in living.
I need to be successful for them.
I need to be happy for them.
I need to be the example they need in the world.
My focus needs to be on making sure they never, ever, EVER, end up a mess like their mother has....

Not so subtle please....

I will be the first to admit that I will never take a subtle hint at its intentional meaning.  I can twist that son-of-a-bitch around to fit my needs and desires faster than the person who hinted at it...

That being said.

There are times in life when blunt is the way to be.
Don't like me? Stop pretending you do!
Don't want to see me? Tell me!
Sick of me? Let me know!
Want to just use me? Honesty works! Chances are I am using you also!

Honesty goes a long way in communication.  Communication is necessary in all relationships, whether it is an intimate relationship or an acquaintance relationship.  No sense wasting your time, or anyone else's time, on less than honest motives. 

So save those subtle hints for the obvious... "Would you like some chocolate?", "Perhaps... only if you want some though...".

Genius.

Just once...

Just once I would love to be someone's first choice rather than a back-up plan.  I feel unloved, unappreciated, unworthy, tired and alone.
I am a slave to feeling worthless due to decisions I have made and I am so sick of the bullshit.

I wish I knew what the first wrong decision I made in life was...
Would I change the direction of my happiness if that was corrected?

Is there anything I can do RIGHT NOW to change my feelings?
I want to shut some off and turn some around.

I want a complete make-over of my emotions.

I want to feel content again.

Scratch that. I want to feel happiness.

...On the other hand... I may also want revenge.  Looking for one good reason as to why I am not showing up somewhere and fucking someone up right now.
The sense of urgency is overwhelming in such a way that I almost can see me getting up and going and doing just that.

The only reason I can think of to stop me is that it wont matter.
At all.

I cannot change anything about how someone else feels by acting a certain way or saying a specific thing. 
No more than someone acting like a complete asshole has the ability to stop me from feeling a certain way overall.

Who is this person I have become? I am not naturally cynical... but I am now jaded and bitter. 

I would rather hurt physically than emotionally.
Bruises heal.

Heartache hurts.

I am not cut out for this. I want to be strong again.  I want to not care.
I want to be able to shrug it off like everything else I have been able to forget about in life.

How the fuck did I end up being a "feelings" person again?

I don't wanna be.  Take this woman back....

If you could see what I could see....

I look at you.  Often.
I have seen you as a man, a father, a provider... Someone who cares about others, someone who would do what he could to make changes he felt necessary.
... and then I see you now.
I shouldn't be the one wondering what happened.  This is not my fault.  This bitter and cynical man you have become is someone that I cannot relate with yet I cannot seem to let go of.
I want to be your friend.  Your lover. The one who you think of when you need, or want, anything.  I wanna laugh with you.  Cry with you.  Love with you.
I have no idea why I feel this connection. I wish I didn't.  I wish I did not have any feelings as far as you are concerned at all.
Unfortunately, life does not work that way.
I have been over every scenario in my head and I have no idea what it is that I actually want! I could never be with you... even if both of us were in a position to be together, there is no way we would trust each other and there is no way that we could ever coexist together in harmony...
So admitting that I have little to no control over my heart... this leaves me where? Unloading my conscience to burden yours?

Neurotic Housewives need Neurotic Friends!

 

 "Kids, you NEED to know this... If your vagina hangs lower than your shorts, DO NOT wear them."

 

...and have a great day at school!

 

 

Adventure time for the Moms.  Heading to the city for a follow up appointment for a boob job*. 

 

First stop -

STARBUCKS!  Venti Bold with a touch of cream and a couple ice cubes please.  She will have a Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte**.  Fuckers forgot my ice cubes and I scald the back of my mouth taking a sip. 

 

Next stop - MCDONALDS!

Four sausage McGriddles with two sides of hashbrowns please.  She hasn't shit since before her breast procedure... this is a good start.

 

Sure enough. Hit the city limits, running late because of a wrong turn, and we need to stop at a gas station.  In the less than desirable part of town. 

 

The wrong turn was a result of my map reading.  I have never used the map app on my IPhone.  Meanwhile the mom driving, who has yet to shit at this point, is on the phone with her husband hollering about how she will get abducted and it will be all his fault because he didn't pick up the phone when she was calling him for directions! I was holding back laughter with tears rolling down my cheeks because of the ridiculousness of it all.

 

Not even ten minutes in the gas station and she is back.  "Couldn't even shit right! What the FUCK is wrong with me?".  I point out it is probably the public restroom situation, after all, who can go in one?  There was a lengthly discussion about how rabbits shit pebbles and how she feels like a rabbit...

 

Good news is we were only 2 miles from the Hospital.

 

Appointment took 20 minutes.  She learned how to massage her new breasts. 

 

"Which way out of the city?".

 

"Looks like we should take a right up here and grab a left on such and such".

 

"Perfect".

 

Chatter for about 15 minutes....

 

"Uhh.. where the FUCK are we??"

 

"Oh what the fuck!? I was holding my phone upside down and we are headed south!!!!"

 

No worries.. its a city. Roads loop around.

 

Except we are now back in the city. Waiting at the worlds longest red light.  A woman steps off the curb holding a map up looking lost.

"She is gonna get hit".

 

"Where you think she is from?"

 

"Dunno... is she American?"

 

"Looks Asian"

 

"Possible Caucasian"

 

Hollars out window, "Go back to CaucAsia dammit!"***

 

Turns out she doesn't speak English.  She does not get hit by a car and we finally have a green light.

 

We are such bitches.

 

We are the perfect friends.  I am texting and updating my Facebook status while she is on the phone with someone who called.  Honestly, she is the only person I know whose phone rings more often than mine.

 

We are actually headed in the right direction and out of the city in a timely fashion.

 

"We should grab Dorito Tacos from Taco Bell and head to the beach!"

 

"Ohhh yeahhhh we should!! Lets totally do that! We do need to pick up the kids from school though so lets hit the beach nearest there"

 

Drive Thru is closed.  Really large Semi truck and trailer blocking one side and orange cones blocking the exit.  Shit, we have to go in.

 

Snarky comments made to the truck driver about his parking job on our way inside.

"Really? Your White Trash Self cannot park your truck? Isnt that your JOB?? Major Fail, you should get another.... moron!"

We get ignored.

 

...until we are in Taco Bell.

 

Baby on my hip, friend standing next to me, I notice two men looking our way and smiling.

 

"Can I help you?? Is there a reason you're staring this way?"

 

"Oh My God... girl get a grip - just because you are mad at a man today does not mean you can be mean to all men!"

 

I look at her.

 

Man in front of me in line inches further away.

 

"I apologize for my friend, I promise she wont hurt you!"

 

I smirked.  Try me.

 

The other men left quickly out the side door.  Along with the table next to them.

 

Perfect! I wanted that seat!

 

 

 

To Be Continued...

 

 

* Am only still friends with her because her tits are not as big as mine.

** No idea why she orders skinny - I do not think she has EVER had an once of fat on her in her life!

*** OUR word.  Royalties demanded on any use of it.