Just once...

Just once I would love to be someone's first choice rather than a back-up plan.  I feel unloved, unappreciated, unworthy, tired and alone.
I am a slave to feeling worthless due to decisions I have made and I am so sick of the bullshit.

I wish I knew what the first wrong decision I made in life was...
Would I change the direction of my happiness if that was corrected?

Is there anything I can do RIGHT NOW to change my feelings?
I want to shut some off and turn some around.

I want a complete make-over of my emotions.

I want to feel content again.

Scratch that. I want to feel happiness.

...On the other hand... I may also want revenge.  Looking for one good reason as to why I am not showing up somewhere and fucking someone up right now.
The sense of urgency is overwhelming in such a way that I almost can see me getting up and going and doing just that.

The only reason I can think of to stop me is that it wont matter.
At all.

I cannot change anything about how someone else feels by acting a certain way or saying a specific thing. 
No more than someone acting like a complete asshole has the ability to stop me from feeling a certain way overall.

Who is this person I have become? I am not naturally cynical... but I am now jaded and bitter. 

I would rather hurt physically than emotionally.
Bruises heal.

Heartache hurts.

I am not cut out for this. I want to be strong again.  I want to not care.
I want to be able to shrug it off like everything else I have been able to forget about in life.

How the fuck did I end up being a "feelings" person again?

I don't wanna be.  Take this woman back....