"Kids, you NEED to know this... If your vagina hangs lower than your shorts, DO NOT wear them."
...and have a great day at school!
Adventure time for the Moms. Heading to the city for a follow up appointment for a boob job*.
First stop -
STARBUCKS! Venti Bold with a touch of cream and a couple ice cubes please. She will have a Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte**. Fuckers forgot my ice cubes and I scald the back of my mouth taking a sip.
Next stop - MCDONALDS!
Four sausage McGriddles with two sides of hashbrowns please. She hasn't shit since before her breast procedure... this is a good start.
Sure enough. Hit the city limits, running late because of a wrong turn, and we need to stop at a gas station. In the less than desirable part of town.
The wrong turn was a result of my map reading. I have never used the map app on my IPhone. Meanwhile the mom driving, who has yet to shit at this point, is on the phone with her husband hollering about how she will get abducted and it will be all his fault because he didn't pick up the phone when she was calling him for directions! I was holding back laughter with tears rolling down my cheeks because of the ridiculousness of it all.
Not even ten minutes in the gas station and she is back. "Couldn't even shit right! What the FUCK is wrong with me?". I point out it is probably the public restroom situation, after all, who can go in one? There was a lengthly discussion about how rabbits shit pebbles and how she feels like a rabbit...
Good news is we were only 2 miles from the Hospital.
Appointment took 20 minutes. She learned how to massage her new breasts.
"Which way out of the city?".
"Looks like we should take a right up here and grab a left on such and such".
"Perfect".
Chatter for about 15 minutes....
"Uhh.. where the FUCK are we??"
"Oh what the fuck!? I was holding my phone upside down and we are headed south!!!!"
No worries.. its a city. Roads loop around.
Except we are now back in the city. Waiting at the worlds longest red light. A woman steps off the curb holding a map up looking lost.
"She is gonna get hit".
"Where you think she is from?"
"Dunno... is she American?"
"Looks Asian"
"Possible Caucasian"
Hollars out window, "Go back to CaucAsia dammit!"***
Turns out she doesn't speak English. She does not get hit by a car and we finally have a green light.
We are such bitches.
We are the perfect friends. I am texting and updating my Facebook status while she is on the phone with someone who called. Honestly, she is the only person I know whose phone rings more often than mine.
We are actually headed in the right direction and out of the city in a timely fashion.
"We should grab Dorito Tacos from Taco Bell and head to the beach!"
"Ohhh yeahhhh we should!! Lets totally do that! We do need to pick up the kids from school though so lets hit the beach nearest there"
Drive Thru is closed. Really large Semi truck and trailer blocking one side and orange cones blocking the exit. Shit, we have to go in.
Snarky comments made to the truck driver about his parking job on our way inside.
"Really? Your White Trash Self cannot park your truck? Isnt that your JOB?? Major Fail, you should get another.... moron!"
We get ignored.
...until we are in Taco Bell.
Baby on my hip, friend standing next to me, I notice two men looking our way and smiling.
"Can I help you?? Is there a reason you're staring this way?"
"Oh My God... girl get a grip - just because you are mad at a man today does not mean you can be mean to all men!"
I look at her.
Man in front of me in line inches further away.
"I apologize for my friend, I promise she wont hurt you!"
I smirked. Try me.
The other men left quickly out the side door. Along with the table next to them.
Perfect! I wanted that seat!
To Be Continued...
* Am only still friends with her because her tits are not as big as mine.
** No idea why she orders skinny - I do not think she has EVER had an once of fat on her in her life!
*** OUR word. Royalties demanded on any use of it.
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